Christmas photos in 2016- I was the thinnest I had been in… forever, due to stress, anxiety, depression and 6+ months of fertility meds trying to conceive. That year we were going to opt out on Christmas photos due to the continued disappointment of not getting pregnant, but last minute decided to do photos as a family of two. Although it was an emotional time, I’m forever grateful for these photos to look back on and remember that season. I see the pain, the sadness, the exhaustion and struggle… but I also see the peace & stillness in waiting for our hopeful pregnancy one day as we held each other.

The Holidays, especially Christmas, were always the hardest while going through infertility. There’s something so nostalgic and magical about Christmas, but those sentiments quickly become cold, emotional and empty when all you’re hoping for is to become pregnant. I remember several years of looking at the huge wall of Christmas cards from friends & family filled with smiling faces and little babies as tears filled eyes and I asked God “why not me?”

The year we got our dog, we were secretly struggling with infertility, while learning how to take care of a new puppy that wanted to… well, be a puppy. While at a family gathering on Christmas Eve, our pup decided to go after & tear up every piece of pulled off wrapping paper in sight… creating an even bigger mess than usual as we unwrapped presents. This led to a family member making a comment that stung more than they knew, because of the fact we were secretly struggling: “You guys should never have kids if you can’t even control your dog.” Ouch! My heart swelled with emotion and I held back tears as I felt like I couldn’t breathe the rest of the evening until we got into our car at the end of the night and I burst into tears. All we wanted was a little baby to hold & love at Christmas and it felt like we weren’t seen or safe to share even around family.

Let me first start off by saying— only a few select people at this time KNEW that we were struggling with infertility. Most people did not. Needless to say, the comment made on Christmas Eve- although hurtful regardless- was taken way more severely due to the fact we were struggling to conceive and that person didn’t know at the time.

Every Christmas season, joy is mingled with grieve for those struggling with infertility. My hope is to help friends and family of those struggling to better support and encourage their loved ones when they don’t understand, which is why I decided to create this blog post right before inevitable Christmas Eve & Christmas gatherings this holiday season.

10 Ways to Support Those Struggling with Infertility During the Holidays:

If you have kids already— talk to your kidless friends about more than just your kids.
Let them know that you care, even if you don’t know what to say. Ask them how they’re doing and truly listen. Sometimes people just need a compassionate ear to hear and a hug.
Don’t make promises or guarantees regarding them having kids in the future— this one is HUGE!
Ask them how you can support or help them (without assuming what they need or want).
Remember and acknowledge them at Christmas time and other holidays that can trigger disappointment & sadness (i.e. Mothers Day & Fathers Day)
Still send your Christmas card that has a photo of your kid(s) on it. (Although this may remind that they don’t have kids, NOT receiving your Christmas card is actually more hurtful. They would much rather be remembered & included.)
If your friends or family members are going through fertility treatment, do your research on recent & current treatments, statistics and studies before voicing or expression knowledge on ANYTHING regarding it. A lot has changed even in the last 10 years in the fertility treatment world. Please avoid offending your friends by acting knowledgable on a topic that has new advances, updates & progression each year.
If you have a close friend or family member that is going through infertility and you plan to announce your OWN pregnancy during the holidays, try to share your news with them in a way that is personal, private & sensitive PRIOR to the big announcement, so they can process their feelings privately instead of infront of everyone. They’ll appreciate it more than you know. Finding out about other peoples’ pregnancies on social media is one of the biggest triggers and so difficult for those struggling with infertility. We already compare ourselves enough through social media… finding out about a friend’s pregnancy on there only hurts more.
Still reach out and invite your friends to your get together or parties you’re hosting, even if kids will be there. Leave it up to them to make the decision whether or not they can come.
Don’t ask others when they’re going to have kids! After couples get married, the next question they get asked at big get togethers is “when are you TWO going to have kids?!” If you’re close enough to the person, ask something along the lines of “have you two thought about having kids?” OR “do you two want to have kids?” The decision whether or not to have kids is very personal. If a couple is struggling to conceive, it can be extremely difficult to share or bring up unless in a safe environment with someone they know well enough and trust.
** Bonus one** Pray for your friends’ with intention. They need it more than you know.

10 Things To Avoid with Those Struggling with Infertility During the Holidays:

Don’t give unsolicited advice. Did they ask for your advice? No? Ok— then don’t say the first thing on your mind- plain & simple. I assure you, it won’t be helpful.
Don’t tell them to: relax/ have a drink/ go on a vacation/ “stop trying”
Don’t minimize their pain or struggle. Acknowledge their struggle and make an effort to make them feel heard & seen.
Don’t offer solutions or push adoption. I PROMISE you, they’ve considered ALL options at this point. Being asked if I had thought about adoption was a slap in the face and super offensive when struggling with infertility. Adoption is a calling, just like having biological children. It should never be a substitution or consolation. (Do some research on the ACTUAL cost of adoption and fertility treatment prior to EVER bringing this up to your friend . Adoption is the same, if not MORE cost wise than fertility treatment).
Don’t say “it’ll happen in God’s timing”… only God knows if it’ll ever happen. This isn’t helpful.
Don’t ever say “you’re still young”. Infertility affects people of ALL ages, backgrounds and demographics. It doesn’t discriminate. Being aware, educated and seeking answers early on actually produces BETTER odds for your friends to get pregnant than ignoring the fact that they’re not conceiving despite trying.
Don’t gossip about your friends’ struggles to others. Infertility is an extremely sensitive, personal and private matter. If they shared their struggle with you, be respectful of that.
Don’t make insensitive comments or jokes infront of your friends’ who are struggling. This seems like a no brainer, but you would be surprised how often it happens.
Don’t complain about your current pregnancy to them or in front of them.
Don’t tell them that it could be worse.

1 in 6 couples will struggle with infertility. This means either you or someone you know WILL or is currently going through infertility. Be aware, be sensitive and be considerate. The holidays, although filled with joy, can also be extremely painful for those struggling with loss— whether the loss of a loved one or loss of a dream (i.e. a child). I hope these tips help you to love and support someone you know who is struggling.