After years of trying to get pregnant, testing and treatment- we were officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility in 2016. What this means is, we don’t have an easy “pin point” explanation for why we can’t conceive naturally. It could be 1 of 100 different things, but it’s not one of the primary reasons women and/or men struggle to conceive. Not only is this diagnoses frustrating, but it’s one of the most stigmatized infertility diagnoses there is. Without a clear cut “reason” or “answer”, most outsiders want to reason away, justify or answer your diagnoses for you.... I’ll bare you details of the cringeworthy things people told me.
After 3 different levels of fertility treatment and $25k+ later, we finally conceived our miracle baby through IVF! We were told early on that a lot of unexplained infertility cases eventually get pregnant naturally after having a baby through fertility treatment. My first thought when hearing this was, “of course I will! I’m young, I’m healthy, I’m active. My reproductive system will know what it’s doing after my first baby and turn on like a light switch- no problem!”
A couple months postpartum, I had my follow up OB visit to make sure everything was healing up well after my C-section. “Let’s talk birth control,” my OB ended my appointment with. “What for? I’ve never gotten pregnant naturally,” I questioned back. My OB laughed and made jokes that he would see me back by the end of the year for an ultrasound... therefore reinforcing the idea that I could definitely get pregnant naturally now.
Mario and I would discuss our perfect “age gap” for maylene and her future siblings, but always prefaced “if it doesn’t happen naturally by such & such date, we’ll know we need to do ivf again” as to not get our hopes up that we could ever conceive without IVF.
Each deadline for when we would set up an appointment for IVF “if” we didn’t get pregnant on our own was pushed back by an external or financial circumstance (IVF ain’t cheap! Even the second time around). With each month that has passed following Maylene’s 1st birthday, the more disappointed I am when my period shows up. We have now entered into another form of infertility and one that is also extremely stigmatized: secondary infertility. Does it sting as much as the first time? I can’t speak for others, but I know for us, it doesn’t sting as much when your arms aren’t empty, but it doesn’t void out the sting all together, especially if you always dreamed of having multiple children.
You’d be surprised HOW many couples with one child have or are currently struggling with secondary infertility- the inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby. I’ve had countless clients, instagram followers and friends share with me how much they desire a second child, how they laugh off comments from family members “when are you going to give Johnny a sibling!?” or how they flat out lie and say they’re fine with only having one child… but deep down they’re grieving.
Those who struggle with secondary infertility are told that they’re selfish, ungrateful and should “just be happy with their one child”. Usually these comments come from those who have never struggled with infertility or have more than one child themselves— ironically. Let me say it before you think it- there’s NOTHING wrong or sinful with wanting more than one child. If you have kids yourself, you know how much of yourself you give and give up for your child as a parent, so how could having more than one be selfish?
Regardless if we ever get pregnant “naturally”, we still plan to give our embryo-babies a chance for life and can’t wait! With so much of the world telling us what is “normal” or “natural”, the human heart can’t help but yearn to experience something like conceiving atleast one child without medical assistance.
If you’re struggling with infertility- regardless of what kind- know that you’re not alone. Reach out to someone to share how you’re feeling, seek out a good fertility specialist and don’t lose hope!
Helpful resources if you’re struggling with infertility:
Infertility Unfiltered: OC based women support group
What The Fertility: Infertility Blog
SART: Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology- check stats for fertility clinics