Phillips Newborn | Fresh 48

Mary + Roque

Galway Downs, Temecula CA

Special thanks to all of the amazing vendors who helped make Mary & Roque’s day beautiful!

Venue: Galway Downs

Photographer: Jessica Di Bella

Video: KAP Media

Florals: Events by Floral Sensations

Dress: NWLA Bridal // Atelier Pronovias

Bridesmaids Dresses: Birdy Grey

Suit: Indochino

Hair: Ruth Medrano

Make Up: Maria Barrios

DJ: (Provided by venue— Austin)

Custom Signage: Bride & Groom

Cake: Cakes to Celebrate

Rentals: Madam Palooza

Tangible Ways to Have Fun with Your Spouse During Quarantine

Tangible ways to have fun with your spouse during quarantine:

-board games or card games

-virtual games with friends & family using zoom or google hangout (check out: The Jackbox Party Pack )
-puzzles
-bake or cook together

-have some drinks (a given for most, I know) and spice it up by wine or beer “tasting” at home
-do a themed dinner and/or movie night
-watch your favorite comedies or look up a comedian online to have a good laugh & lighten the mood

-blindfolded taste testing
-read those books you haven’t had time for (my New Years Resolution for 3+ years)
-go on a walk or jog together
-go for a drive together
-work out in your living room or backyard together
-take a shower or bath (you’d be surprised how good you’ll feel after a full day in your sweats or PJs)
-binge watch all those shows you haven’t had time for
-write cards & notes to mail to loved ones & friends

-call an elder family member to check in on them
-work on a project you two have put off “until you have time”... except maybe something from Ikea. That can probably wait until later.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Make the most of this time and try to shift your perspective by seeing it as a gift to spend extended quality time with your spouse making memories.

Sincerely,

A wife who is currently rocking the heck out of dry shampoo

How to Safeguard your Marriage in the Midst of Quarantine

No, I’m not talking about physically or in a health sense, although staying inside does limit your exposure to the current COVID-19 pandemic. I’m talking the side effects of being bunkered in with your spouse with a limited to do list, possibly no work, hobbies on hold, events postpone, celebrations rescheduled and not being able to leave the house except for essentials. 

This is new to ALL of us. As much as you love your spouse, chances are you haven’t spent THIS much consecutive time together- ever. We have jobs, obligations, commitments, make plans with friends & family... 

Add not only the stress of possibly contracting the corona virus, there’s the stress of not working and bringing in income, therefore not being able to pay bills for a lot of us. Emotions & anxieties are at all time high- a recipe for butting heads in most households. 

We’re all struggling right now. Not one person hasn’t been affected by this pandemic in the world. So how do we safeguard our marriages in the midst of quarantine?

Grace- chances are if you’re a Christian or your elderly grandma is, you’ve heard this word. Before you roll your eyes or click exit on this post, bear with me for a second. What does grace truly mean? And how do you put it into action… especially when you don’t feel like it?

Grace is unmerited and undeserving favor, mercy, justice & kindness. Pretty much everything good we receive, how good we are treated when we don’t deserve it or even things we would deem as “luck” like finding the last package of toilet paper at the grocery store in the midst of a shortage— yes, grace!

So before you allow everything you originally fell in love with about your spouse when you first got married to turn into the things you can’t stand and dare I say, hate— take a deep breath and choose to extend grace to them, in the same way you would hope for when you speak too harshly, make an assumption or say something hurtful out of stress or anger.

Below are some practical ways you can help safeguard your marriage in the midst of quarantine:

-give yourself space (even if that means in the bathroom of your tiny 1 bedroom apartment)

-write down your feelings

-text, call or FaceTime a friend who will be honest with you 

-pray

-go for a walk: get out and move- endorphins are natural mood boosters.

-go for a drive & listen to music that lifts your mood 

-read your Bible 

-give each other time to freely express how they’re feeling without interrupting one another/making faces/sighing/etc

FIRST WEEK OF QUARANTINE…

SECOND WEEK OF QUARANTINE…

All jokes and memes aside— remember, this time is difficult for everyone and is only temporary. Continue to extend grace to one another during this time and you’ll make it out on the other side of this.

Sincerely,

A wife currently in the midst of quarantine with her husband and a stir crazy toddler

Leah + Ken

Ethereal Gardens, Escondido CA

Special thanks to all of the amazing vendors who helped make Leah & Ken’s day beautiful!

Venue: Ethereal Gardens

Photographer: Jessica Di Bella

Video: Carver Weddings

Florals: Region Design Studio

Dress: Love and Lace Bridal

Tux: Friar Tux

Hair & Make Up: Nichole England

DJ: San Diego Partytime DJs

Custom Welcome Sign: Montana Mikes Crafts (@montanamikescrafts)

Llamas: Sugar Sweet Farms

Catering: Wood Fire Pizza Wagon

When Unforeseen Changes Affect Your Wedding

Unforeseen, unknown, unexpected changes… My heart breaks for all my 2020 couples, as well as their families whose wedding days are currently being affected by the Covid-19 virus. My heart hurts as my upcoming wedding couples try to navigate what to do and how it will impact their special day that some have been planning for a year+.

While my silence on the issue is not due to a lack of empathy, but more so being in shock, frustration, trying to decipher truth from fear mongering, silencing social media & the news, protecting mine & my families health (physical, mental & spiritual) as we process and quite honestly, feeling like theres not a whole lot I have to say right now. What I do know is that I have peace. 

It might be hard to correlate, if you’ve never been through it, but bear with me… I had to wait for something beautiful that my husband & I had planned, hoped for, prayed for and were excited for, but repeatedly got pushed back and delayed due to unforeseen & unexplained reasons. I went through the 5 stages of loss every month our plans didn’t pan out… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. I was happy for those whose plans worked out, but was still sad that mine didn’t… asking God why over and over again. 

Yes, I’m talking about going through infertility and waiting for a miracle baby. No, our pain, frustration and waiting didn’t effect everyone, but it did impact us and those around us in a ripple effect.

We had to trust that God was bigger than our current circumstances and was in control of all of it… if not, we would drive ourselves crazy and give up the idea of it ever happening. We had to have hope and have a faith over fear that things wouldn’t work out for good.

Everyone has their own views, perspectives, levels of anxiety and ways of navigating everything pertaining to the current Covid-19 pandemic. Instead of being crippled with anxiety & fear of the unknown not only for the future of my own business, but my couples’ weddings they’ve been planning & looking forward to, I want the focus of this blog post to help alleviate anxiety, provide hope for my clients and other couples out there, as well as provide options for those effected. Whether its the virus of the year, a parent being diagnosed with cancer, your photographer expecting a baby near your due date, a natural disaster, fill in the blank… there are endless things that can impact your wedding day, as we truly do not know what tomorrow holds. While this can cause undue stress & anxiety, please don’t let it. Sometimes plans have to be moved up, moved around, modified or changed to allow your love to still be celebrated. Trust that if you have booked professionals for your special day, they’re here to help you and have experience with navigating through sudden or unforeseen changes. 

Instead of flat out cancelling your special day, being robbed of your joy and potentially losing your non-refundable retainers with various vendors you’ve booked, consider one of these options to give you two something to still look forward to and use as an opportunity to still celebrate the union of you two becoming husband and wife despite possible unfavorable circumstances.

-Ask your venue about a discounted weekday rate for a later 2020 date, if they will be closed or you wedding is effected for your upcoming date: Recently I spoke with one of my client’s venues about the possibility of cancelling their upcoming wedding. A lot of privately owned venues are allowing their couples to make the final decision on whether to move forward with their upcoming wedding date or not. The venue coordinator at this specific venue let me know that they are offering discounted weekday dates later in the year for any 2020 couples whose date is currently being affected by the coronavirus. Pro Tip- check in with your photographer first before moving forward with a new date.

-Moving your date to a date within a year that both you and your priority vendors are available: While a weekday later this year might not be what you had in mind, a lot of venues that have to close are allowing couples to transfer their retainer to a date within a year of their set wedding date. If this is the case for you, make sure to keep all of your vendors in the loop prior to booking, so you don’t miss out on having them apart of your special day.

-Elopement Style Nuptials: Still want to get married, but limit it to an extremely small and intimate gathering? Ask your photographer about elopement locations and using your non-refundable wedding payments towards that. Another idea is to see if payments you’ve made can be used towards: a boudoir session, a Fall family session or gift certificate for a friend or family member. While most photographers can’t give a refund after payments are made for a reserved date due to unforeseen circumstances or else it would be impossible for us to stay in business otherwise, what we CAN do if offer options that work for everyone, so we can all continue to show grace, move forward, celebrate, stay working and support our families to best of our abilities without anyone feeling taken advantage of in an unfortunate circumstance.

-Associate Photographer: Have to move your date but your photographer is already booked on that day? No need to fret. I have associate photographers I’ve worked with for years who know my style, brand and serve my clients with the same love & care on their wedding day, all the while I handle all the logistics, planning, coordinating and edit all of your photos in my personal Jessica Di Bella Photography touch post wedding day! Want to see one of many successful associate weddings under my business? Check out Zareh & Cat’s Wedding!

At the end of the day, I pray for peace, discernment and faith over fear for all of my clients as they navigate in the unknown and circumstance. The Lord has you and He alone is the greatest hope & comfort in every season.

If you need help navigating your special day due to unforeseen circumstances, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’m here to help <3 info@jessicadibellaphotography.com

Marcie + Scott

My Embryo Transfer

It’s been TWO years since our embryo transfer. A day I’ll never forget, as long as I live…

The build up to a transfer day is unlike any other. You’re giddy, but scared. Excited, but anxious. Literally everything has brought you to this moment. Will they stick or will be have to start all over? I’ve had to fight for and wait for a lot of things in my life… all the things that are worth it, of course. Why would getting pregnant be any different?

Weeks and days prior to your embryo transfer, you teeter back and forth between being over the moon and absolutely terrified. For years, countless baby announcements & baby showers of those around us… Time and time again, a monthly reminder that AGAIN this was not the month. It was honestly hard to even imagine this being any different, as we had never had a positive pregnancy test… ever.

After years of let downs and disappointments, you start to toughen up in some areas, grow thick skin, put up a wall and even become cynical at times at the thought of it happening- as to protect the mustard seed amount of faith tucked away in your heart that it could possibly happen.

Preparing for our transfer day was not only a physical thing, but just as much as an emotional, mental & spiritual thing. I knew I not only had to release control, but I had to trust that the Lord would show up in the final hour, just as he had always done in mine & Mario’s journey— if He saw it fit for us. I had to trust that HIS plan was much greater than my own and He was going to do something beautiful regardless of the outcome.

The physical preparation sucked- plain and simple. I had to get regular injections into my lower back/ upper butt cheek starting a month before our transfer date. Although I have a good number of tattoos, there’s nothing like a needle being injected into your muscle time and time again, on top of weekly blood draws & vaginal ultrasounds for monitoring. I remember being so physically and emotionally exhausted all the time, while my mind and my hormones adjusted to the medication being poked into me every other day. I refused to drink caffeine, because I didn’t want to hinder my chances of the transfer working when the time came, so I was pushing through each day by hope alone.

The weekend before my transfer (like literally days), I went to a bachelorette party in Vegas for one of my best friends, despite some unsure fertility peers of mine about how it would affect me for my transfer day come that Monday. I didn’t drink and one of my other best friends had to do my routine injections for me, while we were out there. It totally helped keep my mind off things, so I didn’t drive myself crazy as I waited and watched the clock each day, knowing it was one hour closer to our transfer. On our drive home, I remember ordering a tank top online that said “Mama Bear”, in faith that I would be able to wear it in less than 2 weeks when I would receive my blood test results. I had done my part, now the rest was up to God. Literally nothing was in my control (if I hadn’t already realized THAT after years of infertility) and I was at peace as day turned to night the eve of my transfer.

Transfer Day was here! Although we were cleared for an earlier month, we chose to wait for a time that felt more responsible with my business, which was such a difficult decision, because it meant waiting longer before we would ever hold our baby in our arms. We got up early the morning of and went to breakfast, almost as if we were celebrating one of our birthdays. It felt unreal as we smiled and giggled back and forth during breakfast, reminiscing everything that brought us to this day. On the drive to the fertility center, we held hands, smiled and tears streamed down my face as Lauren Daigle “Trust In You’ echoed in the car on the stereo.

As we waited in the room, we prayed, laughed & took deep sighs. The nurse came in with a photo of our embryos they would be transferring and we excitedly took a photo with the photo— “Our First Family Photo”.

We transferred two non-genetically tested embryos into my womb. Our “embryo babies” as we call them. To some, they are just “cells”, but to us, these are our babies that already have their DNA code written, making them human & ours.

It’s such a wild feeling and moment when you see two little bubbles with your embryo babies in them float up in your uterus on a screen. Who can say they got to see their babies before they ever even attached in the womb?! The joy we had in the moment and on that day was immeasurable! It would be 10 days before we could find out if we were pregnant and each day would feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas morning or a bride waiting for her wedding day until we would receive a phone call. In the infertility world, this anxiety filled waiting period is called P.U.P.O= pregnant until proven otherwise. Or in Italian, Pupo means “baby”… ;)

Years and years of trying, doing recommended diets, cutting out caffeine, cutting out alcohol, drinking a glass of wine to “relax”, exercising more, exercising less, taking medication, praying with tear stained cheeks…. always ending with the reminder & reassurance that GOD is in control of everything, no matter how hard I tried, pushed, kicked, screamed & cried. God is faithful in every season, regardless if it’s how we pictured it all working out.

The Importance of a Trusted Girlfriend

It’s funny- the older I get, the more I see that it’s not the quantity of friends that I have that matters, but the quality of friends I have. This couldn’t be more true once you get married and real life hits you in the face. It’s when things get difficult, uncomfortable and painful that our deepest, truest friendships rise from the ashes.

Having a loyal & trusted girlfriend who will hold you accountable, encourage you, be honest with you, pray for you and still support your marriage no matter how much you or your spouse has messed up is essential for the health of your marriage when the going gets tough.

We all have the friends (I can’t be the only one…)

• The ones we go to who will tell us what we want to hear and go all MAMA BEAR  and say “SCREW ‘EM!” when you’re hurt, let down or disappointed. That will probably give you advice out of an emotional response and not based on logic & a deep understanding of the sanctity of marriage. While these friends love you deeply and want the best for you, their advice may not be what you need to hear when issues arise in your marriage.

• Then there are ones that will tell us what we NEED to hear, regardless if its what we want to hear. They’ll come along side you and be loving, but share the hard truths we know deep down inside. 

Having a trusted confidant aside from your spouse who has the same high view of marriage and knows our strengths & weaknesses is important for the health of your marriage.

No, this person shouldn’t be a substitute or take place to the intimacy, closeness and friendship you have with your spouse, but essentially someone who will be your sounding board & voice of reason when times get tough in your marriage.

Social media, mass group texts, the current close girlfriend at your weekly yoga session or sometimes even your mom, aren’t necessarily the best places to seek counsel and accountability in your marriage IF you want truthful & unbiased advice.

Every marriage has rough patches and Lord knows we all fall short and will make mistakes that hurt one another. Instead hitting send on that text or post airing our own or our spouse’s dirty laundry for all to see, know, hear and pass judgement on… consider only sharing with one trusted friend who will support your marriage and still love you & your spouse no matter how messy it will get.

If you have that person in your life, let them know how much you appreciate them today. If you don’t know who that person is in your life, pray that God would reveal that person to you. Friendships are important in marriage and in life. We weren’t created to do life alone or isolated.

My Favorite Southern California Venues

Over the past 6+ years I’ve photographed at countless wedding venues in and around Southern California as a lead, associate and second shooter photographer. With majority of my bookings come from the OC/SD/Riverside/Temecula areas, a handful of venues I’ve had the opportunity to photograph at more than once! I always LOVE photographing at a new, beautiful venue and receive inquiries for venues all over, but theres something to be said about having a pleasurable experience at a venue as a vendor and through the eyes of my clients: esthetics, how my clients are treated (& how other vendors are treated) and the overall atmosphere for guests. With the new year and new inquiries coming in for 2020-2021, I wanted to share some of my favorite venues from experience, along with some tips and basic information for each of them.

Below I have my CURRENT 10 favorite wedding venues in the Southern California region… in no specific order ;)

1) The Villa, San Juan Capistrano- A beautiful and intimate little Italian garden tucked away in the historic area of San Juan Capistrano. Not a huge venue, but what it doesn’t have for size, it has in beauty and romance! The first time I shot at this venue, I fell in love and even convinced my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to get married here, so I could live vicariously through them. Their in-house coordinators (shout out to JOY N’ COMPANY ) are phenomenal and take care of everything flawlessly!

2) Franciscan Gardens, San Juan Capistrano- Another stunning venue tucked away in the historic district of San Juan Capistrano. With options for either indoor or outdoor reception, you can have both a garden setting and indoor industrial brick backdrop. Photo locations are endless with Los Rios Street and the Mission SJC being a block away.

3) Ethereal Gardens, Escondido- The most recent NEW wedding venue I have photographed at. I fell IN LOVE with it’s romantic, bohemian vibes! With a few different options for ceremony and reception areas, this venue is HUGE! With that being said, it’s tucked away in the mountains of Escondido, so the location itself is intimate. It’s beautiful, with every corner offering a “Kodak Moment” spot. The space and amenities lend itself to have a fun and magazine worthy feel for you and your guests.

4) Serendipity Gardens, Oak Glen- Although I’m not a preferred vendor here (yet!), I photograph at this cute venue atleast 1-2x a year! The property owners are constantly adding to the venue to have more to offer clients and provide a gorgeous setting in the lower mountains of Oak Glen with a backdrop of the mountains (sometimes snowcapped). With the majority of the venue being outdoors, choosing the season to get married here (or upgrading to a tent) would be word to the wise due to drastic weather conditions. The in house DJ and coordinators are super sweet and friendly, adding a personable touch.

5) Casa Romantica, San Clemente- Another tucked away venue providing a, well… romantic feel in on an intimate hillside overlooking San Clemente Beach and pier. Set in a historic building-- the ceremony site has a gorgeous backdrop of the ocean as you two exchange “I Do’s” without sand in your shoes. My kind of beach wedding ;)

6) Rancho Las Lomas, Silverado Canyon- The one wedding I have photographed here it was pouring rain, so unfortunately my clients didn’t get an opportunity to use the outdoor space they offer that is classic and beautiful in such a unique way. With antique tainted tiles and a historic feel to the grounds- the setting is extremely classy and romantic. It doesn’t hurt that they have their own mini zoo to entertain your guests!

7) Galway Downs, Temecula- A part of the Wedgewood Weddings network, this specific venue doesn’t feel like the rest. The first time I photographed here, I was really impressed! Don’t get me wrong, Wedgewoods have been stepping up their game over the past year or two, but in the past they have been known to be very cookie cutter as an “all inclusive” wedding venue network. Galway Downs is in a league of its own with gorgeous vegetation, spacious grounds and a quaint, rustic feel throughout the venue. After attending a wedding here, my husband half jokingly said that we should have our vow renewal there one day, because of how impressed he was as well!

8) The Inn at Rancho Santa Fe- I’ve photographed at this gorgeous, ritzy venue twice and fell in love both times! With lush, green grounds year round, the venue feels like something out of a movie (and has been featured on various network reality shows). Your vows would be exchanged under a large tree canopy and your reception taking place in a luxurious, spacious lawn below the resorts main building.

9) Bella Collina, San Clemente- This might be one of my favorite “golf course” venues. Golf course venues typically all feel the same, but Bella Collina is tucked away in the hills of San Clemente and it’s ceremony site is to die for! With a regal windy road to and from the venue, you once again feel like you’re on a movie set. There isn’t much for a getting ready area (girls are in a windowless yoga studio room and guys are in the golf course restaurant), but otherwise it’s a beautiful place to say I Do.

10) The Hacienda, Santa Ana- A cute Spanish style venue hidden behind a strip mall in Santa Ana. On the outside it might not look like a lot, but the inside takes you away to a romantic, Spanish house with 2 beautiful ceremony sites and killer Mexican food. Being on the preferred vendor list, I couldn’t help to give a little nudge to this affordable hidden gem.

---

Below are some other awesome wedding venues that I’d LOOOOOOVE to shoot at, so take a peek if you’re in the market for a rad venue:

• The Estate On Second- Santa Ana

• The 1912- Santa Ana

• The Casino- San Clemente

• The Loft on Pine- Long Beach

• Smogshoppe- Los Angeles

• Millwick- Los Angeles

• Luce Loft- San Diego

• BRICK- San Diego

• Ebell Long Beach

• Calamigos Ranch- Malibu

• Saddlerock Ranch-Malibu

• Rimrock Ranch- Pioneer Town

• Wolf Feather Honey Farm- Pioneer Town

• Avalon Hotel- Palm Springs

• Frederick Loewe Estate- Palm Springs

• The Ace- Palm Springs

• Parker- Palm Springs

• Tradition Golf Club- La Quinta

How To Build The Perfect Wedding Day Timeline

Trying to plan the timeline for your wedding day can be an overwhelming task. How much time do I need for formal photos? What about my big extended family? What time should my ceremony be at? Should I do a first look?

The amount of time needed for specific events and photos can easily be under-estimated and lead to possible stress the day of. The time of day these photos should be taken can also weigh heavily on the time of year and sunset time.

*For the best & clearest timeline set up, make sure to check in with your photographer and/or wedding coordinator PRIOR to setting your ceremony start time. They do this EVERY weekend, as well as in different circumstances & locations. Their advice and guidance will guarantee the best timeline for the vision you have for your wedding AND photos.

I pride myself in not only ENJOYING the creation of wedding timelines, but also helping set realistic expectations for my clients with the amount of photography coverage they have, their venue location and the amount of time needed for the photos they desire.

Here are key tips & rules of thumb to help construct a basic timeline for your special day:

• On average, bride & groom photos take 30-60 minutes

• On average, bridal party photos (bridesmaids & groomsmen) take 20-60 minutes (the size of the bridal party varies the time needed, as well as if you’re doing a first look or not)

• On average, family photos take 30-60 minutes

• On average, ceremonies are anywhere from 20-60 minutes, depending on special traditions, readings, etc.

• Look at SUNSET time prior to setting your ceremony start time.

• Decide whether or not you want to do a first look.

Now, with the time needed for formal photos considered, deciding whether you WILL or WILL NOT do a first look will drastically affect what time your ceremony will need to start IF you want all of your formal photos to be taken in natural daylight (what all of the formal photos I take look like) and NOT with a flash after the sun has set.

Here are 2 sample timelines based on 5 key factors:

• sunset time

• ceremony time

• venue location (next to the beach, behind a mountain, etc)

• first look

• whether bridal party & family photos are before or after the ceremony end time

What you will want to do PRIOR to setting your ceremony start time is to look up the sunset time for your wedding venue location on the day of your wedding, then build your timeline around time based on the time needed for specific photos and events.

SPRING WEDDING TIMELINE (March-June)

-Sunset Time: 7:00/7:30pm

SUMMER WEDDING TIMELINE (June-September)

-Sunset Time: 7:30/8:00pm

FALL WEDDING TIMELINE (September- November)

- Sunset Time: 4:30/6:30pm

WINTER WEDDING TIMELINE (December- March)

-Sunset Time: 5:00/5:30pm

I hope this helps you to plan your perfect wedding day timeline based on exactly how you envisioned your wedding day and photos! If you’re unsure about the time needed for specific photos or your ceremony, make sure to reach out to your photographer and wedding coordinator before you make any final decisions.

10 Do's and Don'ts to Support Your Friends Struggling with Infertility During the Holidays

Christmas photos in 2016- I was the thinnest I had been in… forever, due to stress, anxiety, depression and 6+ months of fertility meds trying to conceive. That year we were going to opt out on Christmas photos due to the continued disappointment of not getting pregnant, but last minute decided to do photos as a family of two. Although it was an emotional time, I’m forever grateful for these photos to look back on and remember that season. I see the pain, the sadness, the exhaustion and struggle… but I also see the peace & stillness in waiting for our hopeful pregnancy one day as we held each other.

The Holidays, especially Christmas, were always the hardest while going through infertility. There’s something so nostalgic and magical about Christmas, but those sentiments quickly become cold, emotional and empty when all you’re hoping for is to become pregnant. I remember several years of looking at the huge wall of Christmas cards from friends & family filled with smiling faces and little babies as tears filled eyes and I asked God “why not me?”

The year we got our dog, we were secretly struggling with infertility, while learning how to take care of a new puppy that wanted to… well, be a puppy. While at a family gathering on Christmas Eve, our pup decided to go after & tear up every piece of pulled off wrapping paper in sight… creating an even bigger mess than usual as we unwrapped presents. This led to a family member making a comment that stung more than they knew, because of the fact we were secretly struggling: “You guys should never have kids if you can’t even control your dog.” Ouch! My heart swelled with emotion and I held back tears as I felt like I couldn’t breathe the rest of the evening until we got into our car at the end of the night and I burst into tears. All we wanted was a little baby to hold & love at Christmas and it felt like we weren’t seen or safe to share even around family.

Let me first start off by saying— only a few select people at this time KNEW that we were struggling with infertility. Most people did not. Needless to say, the comment made on Christmas Eve- although hurtful regardless- was taken way more severely due to the fact we were struggling to conceive and that person didn’t know at the time.

Every Christmas season, joy is mingled with grieve for those struggling with infertility. My hope is to help friends and family of those struggling to better support and encourage their loved ones when they don’t understand, which is why I decided to create this blog post right before inevitable Christmas Eve & Christmas gatherings this holiday season.

10 Ways to Support Those Struggling with Infertility During the Holidays:

1. If you have kids already— talk to your kidless friends about more than just your kids.

2. Let them know that you care, even if you don’t know what to say. Ask them how they’re doing and truly listen. Sometimes people just need a compassionate ear to hear and a hug.

3. Don’t make promises or guarantees regarding them having kids in the future— this one is HUGE!

4. Ask them how you can support or help them (without assuming what they need or want).

5. Remember and acknowledge them at Christmas time and other holidays that can trigger disappointment & sadness (i.e. Mothers Day & Fathers Day)

6. Still send your Christmas card that has a photo of your kid(s) on it. (Although this may remind that they don’t have kids, NOT receiving your Christmas card is actually more hurtful. They would much rather be remembered & included.)

7. If your friends or family members are going through fertility treatment, do your research on recent & current treatments, statistics and studies before voicing or expression knowledge on ANYTHING regarding it. A lot has changed even in the last 10 years in the fertility treatment world. Please avoid offending your friends by acting knowledgable on a topic that has new advances, updates & progression each year.

8. If you have a close friend or family member that is going through infertility and you plan to announce your OWN pregnancy during the holidays, try to share your news with them in a way that is personal, private & sensitive PRIOR to the big announcement, so they can process their feelings privately instead of infront of everyone. They’ll appreciate it more than you know. Finding out about other peoples’ pregnancies on social media is one of the biggest triggers and so difficult for those struggling with infertility. We already compare ourselves enough through social media… finding out about a friend’s pregnancy on there only hurts more.

9. Still reach out and invite your friends to your get together or parties you’re hosting, even if kids will be there. Leave it up to them to make the decision whether or not they can come.

10. Don’t ask others when they’re going to have kids! After couples get married, the next question they get asked at big get togethers is “when are you TWO going to have kids?!” If you’re close enough to the person, ask something along the lines of “have you two thought about having kids?” OR “do you two want to have kids?” The decision whether or not to have kids is very personal. If a couple is struggling to conceive, it can be extremely difficult to share or bring up unless in a safe environment with someone they know well enough and trust.

11. ** Bonus one** Pray for your friends’ with intention. They need it more than you know.

10 Things To Avoid with Those Struggling with Infertility During the Holidays:

1. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Did they ask for your advice? No? Ok— then don’t say the first thing on your mind- plain & simple. I assure you, it won’t be helpful.

2. Don’t tell them to: relax/ have a drink/ go on a vacation/ “stop trying”

3. Don’t minimize their pain or struggle. Acknowledge their struggle and make an effort to make them feel heard & seen.

4. Don’t offer solutions or push adoption. I PROMISE you, they’ve considered ALL options at this point. Being asked if I had thought about adoption was a slap in the face and super offensive when struggling with infertility. Adoption is a calling, just like having biological children. It should never be a substitution or consolation. (Do some research on the ACTUAL cost of adoption and fertility treatment prior to EVER bringing this up to your friend . Adoption is the same, if not MORE cost wise than fertility treatment).

5. Don’t say “it’ll happen in God’s timing”… only God knows if it’ll ever happen. This isn’t helpful.

6. Don’t ever say “you’re still young”. Infertility affects people of ALL ages, backgrounds and demographics. It doesn’t discriminate. Being aware, educated and seeking answers early on actually produces BETTER odds for your friends to get pregnant than ignoring the fact that they’re not conceiving despite trying.

7. Don’t gossip about your friends’ struggles to others. Infertility is an extremely sensitive, personal and private matter. If they shared their struggle with you, be respectful of that.

8. Don’t make insensitive comments or jokes infront of your friends’ who are struggling. This seems like a no brainer, but you would be surprised how often it happens.

9. Don’t complain about your current pregnancy to them or in front of them.

10. Don’t tell them that it could be worse.

1 in 6 couples will struggle with infertility. This means either you or someone you know WILL or is currently going through infertility. Be aware, be sensitive and be considerate. The holidays, although filled with joy, can also be extremely painful for those struggling with loss— whether the loss of a loved one or loss of a dream (i.e. a child). I hope these tips help you to love and support someone you know who is struggling.